I used to be a fast learner but I’ve slowed down lately

Living life in the median lane

No one’s ever cosseted a Cossack.

Thank God Kanye makes a new album every time I get out of a relationship.

I spent my life running from myself. Now I’m old, and myself is catching up.

Imagination is more painful than knowledge.

I was agape at their agape.

Gobbling canapés under a canopy

While highschoolers perform intercessions for intersessions

I met a diva in a dive. I told her I was 18 because I like even numbers.

Her: “just wanted to check in and let you know that I folded you’re laundry and put it in the dresser. My dad’s on his way so we can move the furniture. I hope you’re having a good day at work. I miss you”

Me: “work’s a bitch, as are you, but I miss you too”

Opinions are the result of using one book to read all other books.

I think life is not worth living, but I’m living it just in case I’m wrong.

I used to be scared of a monster that might come out of the dark and get me. Now I’m scared it won’t.

It’s sooooo windy. I would not want to be spreading pine needles right now.

Germans, what is the point of the word schadenfreude when we have gloat?

What got me where I am? A combination of luck and feigned responsibility.

Mondegreens. People just want to hear a good beat on which to put their own lyrics, no matter what the actual lyrics of the song are.

the fallacy of tall buildings: the view is prettier looking at them than it is looking from them.

Martin was a martinet

I grew up perfecting the art of time stealing. That is, subtly glancing at people’s watches. Now I apply this skill to wedding rings.

Me and my chimerical tape recorder.

“It’s a strange thing, I don’t like men and I don’t like animals. As for God, he is beginning to disgust me” - Samuel Beckett

Anyone comfortable speaking in public shouldn’t be speaking

Cars at a stoplight are like a game of tetris coming to an end.

“Suicide is the art of the weak.” - Anonymous

Anonymous killed its anonymous self shortly after uttering the above. - Mauro Bund (Future Fictional Character)

“Yes, a man of the nineteenth century must be, and is indeed morally bound to be, above all a characterless person; a man of character, on the other hand, a man of action, is mostly a fellow with a very circumscribed imagination.” - Dostoevsky (Notes from the Underground)

They razzed us. So we razed their citadel.

All Martins look like martens.

You are an utter otter.

You uxorious cuckold!!!

Human nature aims to incessantly repine.

Eliade’s oeillades haunt my patriotism.

These are the days when inequities become iniquities.

A dullard looking for a dollar.

Shakespeare says the senate’s sennet is a tocsin.

They as different from each other as privation is from deprivation.

Brazen it out, Eugene!

You civet, polecat, fitchew, marmot, lemur!

The fate of the fete looked grim.

I was afraid of the affray: the donnybrooks and fisticuffs of public life.

Crazy nystagmus, bro.

Life is a comedy for those that think, but a tragedy to those that feel. – Horace Walpole

Watching the biers with beers.

There is nothing worse than cheating yokels.

“At night to drink is danger, yet by day no harm at all” –Ovid

There’s a reason why catatonic and chthonic sound similarly…or daft and deft.

He got sent up for his send-up.

“There is a wisdom that is woe, but there is a woe that is madness” - Ishmael (Moby Dick dude)

There’s pyre in the byre.

Read about the oreads!

The scaly towns of the South.

Your other udder, darling.

Cortez’s cortege.

Get some hooch and take it back to the hooch.

I find you epigrammatic.

Waiting for manna.

Hid her jealousy behind the jalousie.

He triced the fountain bucket up thrice in a trice.

Don’t jive about gyves.

The truths are in the trews.

Don’t bite the bight!

The octopus’s occiput.

Saying something in public that you know you shouldn’t feels like watching yourself saying it from 4 inches behind yourself. Detached, but not detached enough.

Teachers can only teach one person at a time; good teachers make sure they are that person.